I have a friend who’s about 3-4 years younger than me, and quite honestly the wisest person alive. We met in college, circa the library where all of the true Einstein’s are built. LOL! She was looking at me like I was speaking foolishness, which looking back I probably was, and as I cackled on into the night, entertaining college students that should have been studying, this stone-faced little girl with box braids continued to assess me. One thing led to another, and I started dropping her off at home and work; she was younger than I and ran in the same circles, and I had never had a little sister before, so I decided to adopt the little cactus of a woman. Fast-forward 6 years and that little blank-faced college girl is now one of my closest friends, a sister sent truly from God. So, although I am older, she is my little sister that I go to for advice.
One day last week, we were having one of our “diabolical conversations” and by diabolical, I mean I was ranting to her about God knows what (it’s me so probably kittens, overthrowing the system, 4c hair in magazines and books) and she, the wise one, was taking in all of the details I was hurling at her brain. One thing that stood out to me from this conversation was my little wise, big sister telling me that “we have to love ourselves more”.
Now, you read this and thought, well duh! Self-love is the best love, #GodisLove and all of the other internet sayings flashed through your brain. You can regurgitate positive mantras until you’re blue in the face, or in my case, recite them first thing in the morning. (This is so I don’t harm anyone at work. I am doing this for others; not myself. Y’all welcome.) You can read bible plans about anger, cry on therapist couches, write poems about men who can’t love you cause they don’t even love themselves, exercise, eat fries, move to Spain; but at the end of the day, whether you lay down at night next to a teddy bear, a body pillow, or someone who loves you deeply, you have to love yourself.
This little sister, who’s wiser than Solomon and more confident than Kanye, is a vessel sent to me from God. I know this because when I am venting to her about fleshly shortcomings, like why my butt is flat, why I’m single, why can’t I be a millionaire, she speaks with love and encouragement falls from her lips like syrup. She consistently speaks life into people, places and situations that are struggling. And she is able to do this because she loves herself.
So, how do you go about loving yourself?
Invest in you.
What do you actually like to do? Go to the club; read books, bash your ex at speak easy’s? I have found that life is much more peaceful and fulfilling when you take intimate time with yourself. I, for one, turned into a baked potato when I was trying to get over an ended relationship. I took the pandemic to start exercising and drinking more water and eating less cheetos. I also applied for a new job, changed my hair, and re-designed my room. None of the things that I mentioned take the mind of a genius; just effort. Love is an inside game, and the first step to winning the inside game is finding out what you like/need etc. and doing it over and over again. The time and effort spent lamenting on things outside of our control distracts us from becoming better humans. Invest in you.
Get you some religion.
I am a Christian; I fool with Jesus via God, and I also fool with the Bible. I have taken things from my religion to help guide me through great times, mediocre times, and terrible times. I say “get you some religion” because when you need an example of how to love yourself, aside from how Jesus loved others, there are a plethora of examples of people giving and living advice on how best to love others, and ourselves. To name a few, you can hit up the book of Corinthians. (Inserts love is patient, love is kind) Getting you some religion SHOULD give you some ethical and moral codes to live by. Emphasis on SHOULD, because if your religion/beliefs/ideologies/morals don’t fulfill you, empower you, assist you with self-control, and the confidence to love yourself, then boo, it’s time to find an entirely new belief system. Good thing we live in America so there are a bazillion belief systems to adopt.
Adopt some new habits.
Two books that I recommend for someone embarking upon changing their life are “Atomic Habits” and “The Power of Habit”. I read both of these books while in quarantine at the beginning of this year and man, I can truly say that they changed my life for the better. Rome wasn’t built in a day; you aren’t going to fall in love with yourself in a day either. This “loving yourself” romance is a life-time job that gets better and easier as you do good things to and for yourself on a daily basis.
Although very simple, I was someone who never made their bed in the morning. My mom made me do it as a child and I vowed the second I got out on my own, eff that bed. But, one of my habits was to make my bed immediately after I read my bible verse and plan for the day. Believe it or not, that one habit trickled into me consistently tidying up my room, exercising and even eating better. Essentially, you are a combination of your small habits; and if you make a habit of taking care of yourself and doing the small things every day until they become a routine, the path to self-love will soon unfold.
Get a Therapist.
No I am serious. Get a therapist, point, blank, periodt pooh! Somewhere in life, people started internalizing that asking for help, assistance, saying ouch when things hurt was taboo. Wrong! People ask me what’s changed about me in the last year? I seem so different; and thanks to a bit of weight loss, I even look different. Well first off, God. But second off, I found myself in a space of hurt, confusion, solitude, grief, and I couldn’t keep coping on my own. My methods of coping were unhealthy, and I knew that I needed help. So, for the last two years, I have been seeing a therapist; at minimum once a month and at maximum twice a month.
Therapy is hard if you do it correctly. Don’t be going in there lying; and don’t stay if you can’t be open and honest with your therapist. In order for you to grow to love you, you have to trust the therapeutic process. This person can become a mentor, an accountability partner, a surrogate parent, a clinical doctor and more. GET YOU A THERAPIST! There is nothing wrong with consistent check-ups before you have a mental and emotional blowout.
Your relationship status is a part of you; not you as a whole.
Whooooo chilllleeeeee, I write this paragraph for me and only me. I was that person who envisioned my wedding day, and babies and picket fences and dance recitals and blah blah blah. And maybe one day I will have that; but today I have me and that is fine. It is a daily process not to hate myself for the lack of external love I don’t have in my life, and thats a fact jack. But what I reflect on now more than ever, is being grateful for my life and the people in it. I love my best friend and her family, I love my friends, and I adore my parents; I like my job and creating. I am appreciative of the fact that I have people close to me that motivate me professionally, spiritually and encourage me to have life and live it more abundantly. I do lament over the fact that more and more of my friends are getting into romantic relationships, marrying, having children and whatnot, but comparison is truly the thief of joy. You have to love you more, and I can’t help but to be hopeful for the future that as I grow to love myself more, my external romantic life will flourish. Love cannot miss you when you are a lovely person. But more than anything, I want to love myself now in this single season because I have my entire life to partner, to mother, to nurture, and if I can’t take care of myself; I can’t be the person I need to be for others.
So you have read this and reflected on how you can love yourself more. Please know that loving yourself more is a prerequisite for living; because when the people leave, die, hurt you, outgrow you, offer you things beneath you; you have to be able to dust yourself off again, pick your ego up, put your shoes on and continue pushing. The fact of the matter is the hurt would have been less severe if we loved ourself enough to KNOW our worth and to let go early. That being said, when you know love for yourself, you can give it to others and not self-sabotage out of fear of assumed rejection. And rejection happens. So be it. Next.
Everything you need is inside of you. Loving yourself more looks like knowing who stays and who goes, when to lay down and when to rise, when to smile and when to cry, when to detach and when to hold close. The process to loving yourself more is a day by day choice to live well. Live well because you deserve it.
With Love,
Bob Left-Foot
In Search of Becoming Free 