Soo I’ll just jump right into it. I was having a discussion with a close friend about my relationship status. Ya know, the typical “Ima be alone forever, no one will ever love me, I should just walk around in a moo-moo during daylight hours and buy two pittbull puppies” talk. Totally self-deprecating and depressing. My friend allowed me to vent and then asked me the question, “Tonee, what do you actually look for in a guy”. Now y’all know me, so I said my “loves his mama, loves God, pays his taxes” spill. That’s sort of a joke, but kind of true. I figure if he loves his mother than he may have an idea of how to treat a lady, if he loves the lord than he’ll make a good husband and if he pays his taxes than he can provide for this imaginary family that I have concocted. Needless to say, my friend shot these three requirements down.

What do I really look for?

And…. I could not give him an answer. And as I write this I wonder is that weird? I’ll be 24 this year, finishing a Masters in May (we pray) seeking employment at a real job with benefits and a salary with 3 0’s.. I can recite All Falls Down and Get Your Freak On verbatim. I can write a poem about love in 5 minutes, describing why I can’t find it, why it hides from me.. Yet when asked what are my requirements in a significant other… nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I lied. There are things I want, but being the over-thinker I am, I second guess whether they are worthy of being put down. And there lies the problem, if you don’t know what you want, how can you possibly know when you have it? Or even prep to keep it? I know that I want to marry a black man, but will he be soft-spoken, will he be shy? Do I want a macho man (I don’t; I think he would thump me over the head and then my daddy would kill him). I know that I’m flexible on the height requirements, but I cannot bend on whether or not he is a Christian. Also, I’m 30. I’m not 30, but I am old as dirt, meaning men around my age have children. Now, I have a hard time tying my own shoes and remembering to put my durag on at night, let alone playing step-mother. It’s safe to say that a man without children is ideal. But are these the things that go on a list?

The point of this rant/random update is to suggest that perhaps we all should have a list. Another good friend of mine who is married and expecting his first child told me that in college he was so frustrated with dead-end situationships/relationships that he made a list of non-negotiable things he looked for in a woman. If upon meeting someone, they did something that went against the list, they automatically got crossed off the potential bae list. He found his wife literally because she met the criteria.

As I sit here, staring at this blank sheet, pen in my left hand, I challenge you all (whether single, dating or married) to make a list of non-negotiables. Perhaps the problem is not that you can’t find someone, perhaps you don’t even know what you’re looking for. You can’t go in Lowes looking for haircare products (I mean you can but thats dumb and you won’t get what you’re looking for * wink *wink) just like you wouldn’t go to Sephora looking for lumber. I don’t know about you, but I want a family one day. Lord willing I want some nappy headed children, a picket fence, two dogs and a hedgehog. We plan for all things in life; college choices, career, apartments, Tupperware and more. I suggest writing this list, meditating over it, and then praying that God sends you the help-meet you desire. “You have not, because you ask not”. Well I guess I have not because I don’t even know what I’m looking for. Please pray for me and this blank paper cause so far all I can think of is a man that doesn’t wear team jays.

Good night!


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